Jan. 1st, 2011

rockinhamburger: (Gorgeous Gaga)
so, last year i made the following new year's resolutions.

1. i will stop making plans with people i feel not-me around. i have spent the last six months afraid that everyone dislikes the person i am, deep down. i will stop worrying how i'm perceived by others and start to work on being the person i was this time last year. i will not spend time with people who make me feel uncomfortable with who i really am.

2. i will quit putting myself into situations where i end up stressing over my other friends' tension with each other. i have done this far too much over the last several years, to the point where i can't go to a new year's party that i really want to attend because i'm afraid i'll hurt my friends who weren't invited. i have cried too many tears over the frustrating, stressful, palpable line that exists between my two separate groups of friends that were at one time a close-knit circle. i have tortured myself for too long over the uncontrollable feelings of others, and i've ignored my own controllable discomfort with and fear of confrontation because i want to avoid hurting others' feelings. and goddammit, it shouldn't be my responsibility to hold any group of friends together when i'm in my 20s and out of high school. i should be capable of making separate plans without worrying how the other group/person will respond.

i would say i made decent headway with both resolutions. i would venture to say it's almost impossible to completely erase my insecurities related to others' perception of me, but i do think i'm in much better shape than i was last year. and i definitely succeeded with the second resolution! i have no patience for that drama anymore.

so, yay!

resolutions for 2011?

1. i will find time to write in the midst of my crazy demanding schedule. this holiday season has been really good for my writing process. i've written over 25,000 words in the last couple weeks, which is amazing because i don't think i've actually written more than a few thousand words, unrelated to school assignments, since august. i will aim to devote more time to this area of my life, which has always been important to me. i don't have to let school rule my life; i can take time for myself and do the things that really make me feel fulfilled.

2. i will stop obsessing over less-than-perfect grades. i have become a supremely obnoxious, uncontrolled perfectionist; i started crying after a finale exam because i missed one question. one question! my heart sank when i received an 89 and not a 90 in one of my classes, even though it's an A either way. i was overwhelmingly disappointed with my final grade of 82% in another class, despite the fact that it's an impressive A-. so, i will stop being a ridiculous control freak, and be grateful, instead, for the good impression i've made on my teachers and classmates and the staggering amount of information i've taken in over the last three months. i will set my sights on the next two and a half years of endless knowledge in the horizon, and delve into it with healthy conviction. i will be proud of my accomplishments and abilities instead of obsessing over my limitations.

what are your resolutions this year, if you make 'em?

happy new year, flist!

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