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rockinhamburgerThe other day, I was trying to remember the last time I cried.
This may seem like a strange train of thought (and it is), but let me explain. Last year at this time I was what you might call an emotional wreck. I spent most of my days obsessing over small details, big details - obsessing over everything, really! The stress that came with this emotionally exhausting workout was... let's just say I was in pretty bad shape. I cried all the time. And we're talking big gulping sob fests, lasting from anywhere in the vicinity of two minutes and twenty.
Looking back, I can honestly say I hardly recognize myself. It's hard to believe so much can change in just one year. Hard to believe it was actually me wearing that nearly permanent frown.
I thought I knew what happiness was. I thought I was happy, but now that I've put some distance between myself and the emotional stress I put myself through for months, I can see just how miserable I really was. And even though I had everything I thought I wanted, I was in fact deeply unhappy. Sometimes what we want most in life is the last thing we really need. And just because something feels right doesn't mean it is.
When I look back at all the tears I cried, I know I could have fill cup after cup with them. When I look back at the amount of time I spent holding back the tears I didn't shed, I remember the tension that reached my very bones. And when I think back, I know I could have been really happy if I'd only listened to my heart.
Instead, I spent six months ignoring the sensible parts of my brain that told me in so many ways what I needed. Ignoring the parts of my brain that told me what I wanted was destroying me. The problem is, it's so easy to confuse want and need, and now that I'm able to look at this time in my life with a more critical and impersonal view, I can see the distinction. I can see how much better off I am today. I took matters into my own hands, and I'm actually happy now. It feels different than I might have imagined.
I volunteer my time and energy to the things in my life which matter most instead of devoting every waking moment to my hurting heart.
I do, think, and feel emotions that come more naturally instead of focusing all my energy on all kinds of unimportant details.
I laugh! I smile and mean it instead of pretending I'm happy, that I'm good all the time.
I call people when I want to instead of waiting around for phone calls that I know will never come.
I wear the clothes I feel comfortable in instead of what I think I'll look good in.
I sit with my feet up on my desk and eat Swiss Cheese crackers at 1 in the morning instead of checking my inbox for late-night emails.
I play my guitar for hours at a time and take comfortable naps instead pouring my heart out into long letters that won't accomplish a damn thing.
I watch The Daily Show every night and laugh out loud instead of missing it because I'm sobbing into my pillow.
I have my own opinions. God does it feel good! I've stopped wondering what he'll think of my writing, my ideas, of me.
I haven't cried in months! I don't even feel like I need to.
I feel free.
Finally.
This may seem like a strange train of thought (and it is), but let me explain. Last year at this time I was what you might call an emotional wreck. I spent most of my days obsessing over small details, big details - obsessing over everything, really! The stress that came with this emotionally exhausting workout was... let's just say I was in pretty bad shape. I cried all the time. And we're talking big gulping sob fests, lasting from anywhere in the vicinity of two minutes and twenty.
Looking back, I can honestly say I hardly recognize myself. It's hard to believe so much can change in just one year. Hard to believe it was actually me wearing that nearly permanent frown.
I thought I knew what happiness was. I thought I was happy, but now that I've put some distance between myself and the emotional stress I put myself through for months, I can see just how miserable I really was. And even though I had everything I thought I wanted, I was in fact deeply unhappy. Sometimes what we want most in life is the last thing we really need. And just because something feels right doesn't mean it is.
When I look back at all the tears I cried, I know I could have fill cup after cup with them. When I look back at the amount of time I spent holding back the tears I didn't shed, I remember the tension that reached my very bones. And when I think back, I know I could have been really happy if I'd only listened to my heart.
Instead, I spent six months ignoring the sensible parts of my brain that told me in so many ways what I needed. Ignoring the parts of my brain that told me what I wanted was destroying me. The problem is, it's so easy to confuse want and need, and now that I'm able to look at this time in my life with a more critical and impersonal view, I can see the distinction. I can see how much better off I am today. I took matters into my own hands, and I'm actually happy now. It feels different than I might have imagined.
I volunteer my time and energy to the things in my life which matter most instead of devoting every waking moment to my hurting heart.
I do, think, and feel emotions that come more naturally instead of focusing all my energy on all kinds of unimportant details.
I laugh! I smile and mean it instead of pretending I'm happy, that I'm good all the time.
I call people when I want to instead of waiting around for phone calls that I know will never come.
I wear the clothes I feel comfortable in instead of what I think I'll look good in.
I sit with my feet up on my desk and eat Swiss Cheese crackers at 1 in the morning instead of checking my inbox for late-night emails.
I play my guitar for hours at a time and take comfortable naps instead pouring my heart out into long letters that won't accomplish a damn thing.
I watch The Daily Show every night and laugh out loud instead of missing it because I'm sobbing into my pillow.
I have my own opinions. God does it feel good! I've stopped wondering what he'll think of my writing, my ideas, of me.
I haven't cried in months! I don't even feel like I need to.
I feel free.
Finally.
