So I have a midterm tomorrow for which I should be studying, and an activity I need to plan out for the girls at the group home, but all I really want to do is continue working on the first story I've gotten real inspiration for since the summer.

( Preview? )

I am so lucky.

I really have some amazing friends in the Glee fandom, and by god if I don't feel part of a giant family. Which is interesting, because sometimes families fight (that was some epic fighting last night over the leak of the c-sides from the Struck By Lightning script), but most of the time we're true friends to each other; we build each other up, create inside jokes and laugh ourselves hoarse. We welcome new family members and support them, too. We meet up in 'real life'. We enjoy each other's company, and we do all of this because of one specific shared interest. For us, it's Glee, but it could be anything. I've participated in the Harry Potter, Psych, Star Trek XI, and American Idol fandoms. And those are just the ones I participated in; I've lurked in about a dozen more, wishing I could jump in and join the fun but feeling out of my depths.

But please don't think I'm exaggerating at all when I say that this fandom, while also the wankiest apart from HP, has been the most amazing fandom experience of my ten years online. I'm not just saying that, I am truly excited every day to log on and see what my online family is up to. I'm excited to read your fics, bookmark and drool over your artwork, watch your fanvids, look at your icons and graphics, and to squeal excitedly over every piece of Glee news with you that we can get our hands on. I love that we snark about the show's epic fails and then write satirical, thoughtful comments and essays, and I love that we can just collectively love these adorable boys who love each other and are not real but inspire us all the same.

And I just woke up, so I apologize if none of this makes sense. I'm also really shakily emotional as well, because I've been getting comments to the Synchronization companion fic I posted at k_b yesterday. And these are not just any comments, but truly heartwarming ones that make me feel like a capable writer. You'll know, if you're a writer yourself, how important validation can be. I think we like to pretend that we don't post our fics and then nervously check our inboxes when we have a chance, sitting in front of our computers with our breath held tight as the 'Reply to your entry...' email loads, and then squealing over every one. I think we like to pretend we don't require validation, but the truth is we do. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm the only one who feels self-conscious about my writing and proceeds to feel held up when people actually enjoy it.

It's funny. I was fifteen when I first started posting my fanfiction in the Harry Potter fandom. My fics were hosted at FF.Net, and I wrote Harry/Draco fanfiction for the most part and some gen pieces that were a little odd. But I had a small, generous group of people who read my fics and commented regularly, and to this day there are still people who favourite my stories. Which is beyond me, as they're pretty terrible. I still have access to those fics (but you don't, ha!), so I occasionally go back and peruse them to laugh hysterically at my horrible writing. I'm being an asshole to myself when I say that, though, because I genuinely felt then like I do now about it. I smiled over every comment I got, I boggled when someone said that my story was one of their favourites. I was shocked, but mostly it made me want to write more.

When I was in the Psych fandom (for the very funny television show; check it out), I wrote an eighteen-thousand word mystery-slash-love-story. I worked on it for about four-five months (nowadays it only takes a few weeks to write that much :D), agonizing all the while over small details and trying to craft this story I cared about immensely. And when I was nearing the end of the writing process, I told a real-life friend of mine about it, and I'll never forget what she said to me. She said, "Is this a big fandom you're writing for?" I told her no, that it was pretty small in terms of, like, Harry Potter or bandom. And then she said, "Well, how many people are going to read this story you're writing? How many people are actually going to read this story you've put so much time into?" I told her that it didn't really matter because I just had to get the story out of me. I told her I didn't care who read it because the point was that this story had grabbed me and made me write it. I told myself that I didn't need validation because that's not what writing is about.

But then I finished editing it and posted it online. And then I checked my inbox for comments, and in the end I got about... ten, I think? And this was a small fandom, but not that small.

And I won't lie, it was a really shitty feeling. My friend's words came back to me. "How many people are going to read this story you're writing?" In other words, "How many people even give a shit?" And I realized that I do need and want validation, and that's not a failing. Hell, writing is about sharing it with other people. It's about getting inside a person's head and making them think. It's about agonizing over a scene with trembling hands, trying to translate the images in your head to the paper or computer in front of you. It's about getting your reader to stop, just for a second, and question. And that means you're not just writing for yourself. You're writing for other people all the time, and validation is part of that. You want people to feel all that, to think about it, and then like that experience. You're giving your work up for a new interpretation, and that is terrifying. So of course we wait for the reaction with bated breath. This is our soul we're sharing (even with the silliest of pieces). We want our time and effort and work to be validated.

The reason I'm saying all this is that I've been writing... pretty much since I was able. One of the first stories I wrote was a murder mystery about a serial killer. I was 7. How weird and fucked-up is that? Anyway, I've been writing for a long time. And at first I didn't care what people thought of my writing, because I was a kid and I was just writing for myself and for the purposes of getting the (weird, fucked-up) story down. Then school started, and I loved writing so I did it all the time, even when I was supposed to be doing something else.

I can't tell you how and when the insecurity started up. I have no idea when I started doubting my abilities, but all of a sudden everything I wrote was crap. It sounded stupid and young and trite and boring, and why was I doing something I sucked so much at?

Honest to Grilled Cheesus, I cried this morning when I opened my inbox and saw the comments I'd gotten I'm trying not to sob right now, because I've received some seriously amazing comments on my latest story, and I'm just realizing again how much this fandom and all of you who read my fics whenever I post them and speak kindly of the words I string together, how much you all mean to me. Those of you who build me up have not only helped me improve my writing, but have in small increments made me feel less incapable. But more than that, you've helped me to see that I'm not writing crap, that my words are something people actually want to read; or even that my stories are anticipated. And that is just so valuable. I do need validation, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. But I'm starting to feel like I deserve those nice comments. I'm starting to feel like I deserve you as my friends, and that is just something I am so fucking grateful for.

So, thank you. Truly. I never know who reads this journal, but if you're one of the people I'm talking about, who encourage and support me, thank you. My feelings for you are not fake just because we haven't met in 'real life'. You are true friends. And from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being my friend, for reading my words, and for making me feel like they're important.

I can't tell you how invaluable you are to me.

+ I have successfully stayed away from Glee spoilers for a whole week! I haven’t even watched the promo clip from tomorrow’s episode, and there’s Kurt twirling what looks like celery in the gifs I’ve inevitably run across. So, that’s a pretty bit feat for me! But it’s just that I want this episode (which has already been massively spoiled for me after the Nicole Crowther incident) to be as fresh as possible in reward for a fucking long, difficult, exhausting semester.

+ caroline_shea, the mastermind behind Gaily We Promenade, read over what I’ve written for my bigbang and said things that made me not hate my writing with a fiery passion. This is good news, as it means I can stop feeling insecure for a while and write productively because someone believes I’m good at this writing thing. I don’t always have confidence in that, and it’s nice to be appreciated.

MY KURT_BLAINE BIGBANG IS SLOWLY MATERIALIZING, AND I DON’T TOTALLY HATE IT NOW. YAAAY!

xoxo, Caroline!!!

+ I’ve had this discussion with a friend of mine about how Darren Criss is literally the perfect man, and how it’s necessary to believe there must be something wrong with him or life just isn’t fair because seriously what are the chances there’s another Darren out there for us to love (and to love us) in real time?

Which is why I’ve convinced myself Darren must have at least one major shortcoming. What that shortcoming is I have yet to discover, BUT IT HAS TO EXIST.

Because anything else is patently unfair.

AMIRITE!?

+ Lady Gaga’s Edge of Glory is fuckin’ stellar. The saxophone solo (and the little saxophone ending) makes my ears orgasm. Hnnnnnng.

I cannot wait for her fucking album to drop, fuck.

I honestly have no idea who reads my journal anymore, and because my posts are so irregular I'm not really sure there'll be any interest in the following, but I do think it sounds like fun, so!

The Commentary Meme: I will write a DVD commentary for any of the fics I've written that you want to ask about. I'll tell you what the writing process was like, about alternate possibilities for the storylines and characters, things that happen in the background -- the stuff that didn't make it into the story, and anything else you might be curious about. Hit me up!

-

(Also, for those who might be wondering although the squeamish should probably skip this, my dad had his left foot amputated last week. This is not as tragic as it might seem, though. Apparently my dad's been considering it for over a year and trying to get accustomed to the idea. By the time the subject came up with his doctors on Thursday, he was unwavering in his agreement to do it. The surgery went well, and his doctors say he can be slotted in for rehab and fitted for a prosthesis in the next six to eight weeks as he heals up. He's obviously in some pain, but they're trying to control it with pain and nerve meds [that ghost limb thing people talk about? Totally true; my dad feels itchy where his toes should be, which is super creepy]. Things are still a little all over over the place for the moment, but I can see the horizon in the distance.)

-

Ugh, time to brave a snowstorm in order to hand in an assignment. Really wish class had been cancelled.

But Darren Criss' appearance on Ellen has cheered me. Check it out, he sings a song he wrote for her. It is adorable, and he looks amazing, and it's just fantastic!


♥ to all of you!

Wonderful news!!

My Kradam bigbang is finished.

I only have about 22,000 words at the moment, but, as pensnest so wisely informed me a few weeks ago, as I edit and work with the fic over the next several weeks, more words will come.

But it still feels really good to have actually completed this challenge. And I cannot wait to read the wonderful fics that will surely come out of the Kradam Bigbang (53 submissions, last I heard!!!)

YAY!!!



-Just had an amazing 10-hour sleep; I feel soooo rested! And now I'm gotta make something to eat 'cause I'm pretty fuckin' hungry!

-William Zinsser





19,913 words.

Fuck. Yes.

I AM SO GONNA MAKE THIS GODDAMN DEADLINE!!!






"When I started writing really I was like, filling out applications and stuff real early. Last name first, first name last, sex… occasionally, stuff like that. Then I was writing letters, filling out forms, writing on bathroom walls..."
- Tom Waits

+Got another 500 words written for my Kris/Katy/Adam fic. It actually has some basic plot now, though not a very good one. It's probably a fairly common storyline, too, but I'm enjoying writing it all the same. I don't know when that'll be finished, but I'm hoping it'll be soon so I share some more fic with y'all; it's been a while since I offered any up. Sorry about that!

+I also wrote 1000 more words on my bigbang, and most of that was important plotty stuff, so I'm feeling okay about it. I'm just a little worried I'm coming to the end too quickly; I still need to write 9000 words in order to meet the Glambert minimum.

*fidgets*

It'll be fine.

*fidgets some more*

+So, currently I'm somewhat out of the loop in the AI fandom (totes my fault), and I've been trying to keep up with the various rec lists on lj, but there's never enough! I have to scour most of the time.

Without a doubt, astolat's recent addition to the kinkmeme is seriously my FAVOURITE THING EVER! So much looooooove!

Aaaaanyway, hit me up, babes! What are some good reads you've discovered lately? :D

+You should absolutely check out Cheeks' new video, if you haven't already. It co-stars Michael Buckley from the WhattheBuck!? show on YouTube, and it is sooooo aDORable!

Also, Cheeks tweeted that the videos he filmed with Neil will be coming in segments this month. Can't WAIT!



+Mmm, coffee!

Well, I'm  working steadily on Cause and Effect, which is the brand new working title for my epic Psych fanfic. I cannot tell you how happy I am to finally have a title, especially since it's one I'm actually pretty happy with.

I finally started writing the legal scenes, but I am such a perfectionist that I keep stopping and getting frustated with my limited knowledge of proper courtroom procedure. Last night I decided that I need to give myself a break and just write. If I don't get these ideas down I might actually explode. I have all these great scenes in my head, and I need to write them to the best of my ability and screw the rest. 

So here are two scenes I have in my head that still need to be written. One is where Lassiter's testifying on the stand and needs to make a tough decision about how to answer the District Attorney's increasingly personal questions about his feelings toward Shawn. I know Lassie's gonna have to answer one very integral question, which would have been only too easy to answer before Shawn was attacked, but now, with his increasing interest in Shawn, he has to pause and weigh the consequences. Oh, Lassie. The other scene I can see and hear perfectly is where Shawn's responding to the DA's questions with his usual amusing, sarcastic, and startling responses. Dude, it's all there; I just need to get it down and outta my head.

I love writing.