I am so lucky.

I really have some amazing friends in the Glee fandom, and by god if I don't feel part of a giant family. Which is interesting, because sometimes families fight (that was some epic fighting last night over the leak of the c-sides from the Struck By Lightning script), but most of the time we're true friends to each other; we build each other up, create inside jokes and laugh ourselves hoarse. We welcome new family members and support them, too. We meet up in 'real life'. We enjoy each other's company, and we do all of this because of one specific shared interest. For us, it's Glee, but it could be anything. I've participated in the Harry Potter, Psych, Star Trek XI, and American Idol fandoms. And those are just the ones I participated in; I've lurked in about a dozen more, wishing I could jump in and join the fun but feeling out of my depths.

But please don't think I'm exaggerating at all when I say that this fandom, while also the wankiest apart from HP, has been the most amazing fandom experience of my ten years online. I'm not just saying that, I am truly excited every day to log on and see what my online family is up to. I'm excited to read your fics, bookmark and drool over your artwork, watch your fanvids, look at your icons and graphics, and to squeal excitedly over every piece of Glee news with you that we can get our hands on. I love that we snark about the show's epic fails and then write satirical, thoughtful comments and essays, and I love that we can just collectively love these adorable boys who love each other and are not real but inspire us all the same.

And I just woke up, so I apologize if none of this makes sense. I'm also really shakily emotional as well, because I've been getting comments to the Synchronization companion fic I posted at k_b yesterday. And these are not just any comments, but truly heartwarming ones that make me feel like a capable writer. You'll know, if you're a writer yourself, how important validation can be. I think we like to pretend that we don't post our fics and then nervously check our inboxes when we have a chance, sitting in front of our computers with our breath held tight as the 'Reply to your entry...' email loads, and then squealing over every one. I think we like to pretend we don't require validation, but the truth is we do. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm the only one who feels self-conscious about my writing and proceeds to feel held up when people actually enjoy it.

It's funny. I was fifteen when I first started posting my fanfiction in the Harry Potter fandom. My fics were hosted at FF.Net, and I wrote Harry/Draco fanfiction for the most part and some gen pieces that were a little odd. But I had a small, generous group of people who read my fics and commented regularly, and to this day there are still people who favourite my stories. Which is beyond me, as they're pretty terrible. I still have access to those fics (but you don't, ha!), so I occasionally go back and peruse them to laugh hysterically at my horrible writing. I'm being an asshole to myself when I say that, though, because I genuinely felt then like I do now about it. I smiled over every comment I got, I boggled when someone said that my story was one of their favourites. I was shocked, but mostly it made me want to write more.

When I was in the Psych fandom (for the very funny television show; check it out), I wrote an eighteen-thousand word mystery-slash-love-story. I worked on it for about four-five months (nowadays it only takes a few weeks to write that much :D), agonizing all the while over small details and trying to craft this story I cared about immensely. And when I was nearing the end of the writing process, I told a real-life friend of mine about it, and I'll never forget what she said to me. She said, "Is this a big fandom you're writing for?" I told her no, that it was pretty small in terms of, like, Harry Potter or bandom. And then she said, "Well, how many people are going to read this story you're writing? How many people are actually going to read this story you've put so much time into?" I told her that it didn't really matter because I just had to get the story out of me. I told her I didn't care who read it because the point was that this story had grabbed me and made me write it. I told myself that I didn't need validation because that's not what writing is about.

But then I finished editing it and posted it online. And then I checked my inbox for comments, and in the end I got about... ten, I think? And this was a small fandom, but not that small.

And I won't lie, it was a really shitty feeling. My friend's words came back to me. "How many people are going to read this story you're writing?" In other words, "How many people even give a shit?" And I realized that I do need and want validation, and that's not a failing. Hell, writing is about sharing it with other people. It's about getting inside a person's head and making them think. It's about agonizing over a scene with trembling hands, trying to translate the images in your head to the paper or computer in front of you. It's about getting your reader to stop, just for a second, and question. And that means you're not just writing for yourself. You're writing for other people all the time, and validation is part of that. You want people to feel all that, to think about it, and then like that experience. You're giving your work up for a new interpretation, and that is terrifying. So of course we wait for the reaction with bated breath. This is our soul we're sharing (even with the silliest of pieces). We want our time and effort and work to be validated.

The reason I'm saying all this is that I've been writing... pretty much since I was able. One of the first stories I wrote was a murder mystery about a serial killer. I was 7. How weird and fucked-up is that? Anyway, I've been writing for a long time. And at first I didn't care what people thought of my writing, because I was a kid and I was just writing for myself and for the purposes of getting the (weird, fucked-up) story down. Then school started, and I loved writing so I did it all the time, even when I was supposed to be doing something else.

I can't tell you how and when the insecurity started up. I have no idea when I started doubting my abilities, but all of a sudden everything I wrote was crap. It sounded stupid and young and trite and boring, and why was I doing something I sucked so much at?

Honest to Grilled Cheesus, I cried this morning when I opened my inbox and saw the comments I'd gotten I'm trying not to sob right now, because I've received some seriously amazing comments on my latest story, and I'm just realizing again how much this fandom and all of you who read my fics whenever I post them and speak kindly of the words I string together, how much you all mean to me. Those of you who build me up have not only helped me improve my writing, but have in small increments made me feel less incapable. But more than that, you've helped me to see that I'm not writing crap, that my words are something people actually want to read; or even that my stories are anticipated. And that is just so valuable. I do need validation, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. But I'm starting to feel like I deserve those nice comments. I'm starting to feel like I deserve you as my friends, and that is just something I am so fucking grateful for.

So, thank you. Truly. I never know who reads this journal, but if you're one of the people I'm talking about, who encourage and support me, thank you. My feelings for you are not fake just because we haven't met in 'real life'. You are true friends. And from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being my friend, for reading my words, and for making me feel like they're important.

I can't tell you how invaluable you are to me.

Facebook's a great tool for stalking keeping in touch with people you don't get to talk to very often, what with the busyness of everyday life. I was cruising my FB feed today, and I found a status from one of my cousins that brought me back to when she and my other cousin and my aunt and uncle came to visit when I was fourteen.

They live in Edmonton, so I can count the number of times I've seen them on one hand. When they came to visit in 2002 it had been about five years since I'd last seen my cousins. And at first there was some general uncertainty; what should we talk about when it's been that long? Do we actually have anything in common?

Well, as it turned out, my cousin Ali and I had a great deal in common with each other. Her and I quickly discovered a shared love of Harry Potter, and bonded over that -- as did my sister and her sister. But even more than that, we discovered a much more interesting common interest.

Fourteen was about the age I began to read and write slashfic with some regularity, but I hadn't told very many people because... well, you can imagine. Fourteen and heavily involved in reading and writing erotic gay fanfiction? Wasn't something I was quick to share! However, I saw she had a binder in her purse (which she had made herself; sewn them out of a pair of jean shorts -- so fucking cool!), and when I asked about it she admitted she was in the process of writing a Gundam Wing slash story.

I wasn't into Gundam Wing, but hearing that my cousin also read/wrote slashfic was undeniably awesome. We spent several hours talking about Harry Potter slash in general and the stories we'd read in particular. She was actually the person to introduce me to the infamous Draco Series (of which I was unimpressed, to be honest, but I never said that to her), and we spent the next year exchanging regular emails and occasional phone conversations.

Our friendship kind of fizzled out for a while, though it was reestablished when she visited Montreal a few years ago with her dad. We added each other on Facebook and started exchanging messages again for a little while. She was especially helpful after my painful break-up. We talked about more grown-up things this time around, and yet it was astounding to see, once again, how much we had in common. It's just so neat. We're definitely related!

The relationship I developed with my cousin was actually really helpful to me. It made me much more open to revealing my obsession with interest in slash to the people I felt I could trust. I told my friends, who were very supportive of it and even went out of their ways to read my fiction. It also made me more willing to talk about it sooner in a developing relationship. As a matter of fact, I've found a surprising number of slash loving friends by being open about it. There was a girl who came to my school about halfway through high school, and we ended up going to a movie, and I slept over at her house. We found, not unlike Ali and I, that we both loved Harry Potter and subsequently found ourselves squeeing over our adoration of H/D slash. This was awesome for me, but especially cool for her because she'd never told anyone that she secretly read slashfic. To this day we still see each other occasionally, and that bond that was created over slash will never be forgotten. A couple of years ago I dad a classmate over for lunch, and I happened to have livejournal open on my computer when I took it out of sleep mode. We became fast friends over our shared slash history.

It's these brushes with synchronization that make me feel like I was supposed to be in precisely those places at precisely those times. Who knows how my life would be different if I hadn't had those experiences and strengthened those relationships with such important common interests?

Basically, slash is fucking badass. It doesn't just turn us ladies on, it helps us to forge wonderful friendships, sometimes life-long. I think that's extremely powerful. We're such a big group of - for the most part :D - diverse, wordy, sex-positive, supportive, loving ladies; how cool is it that we've created these great communities in our internet pockets? How amazing is it that we can provide each other with a safe, fun place to talk about and dish out our porny fanfiction, share our gripes about fandom and the world, and even talk about what's really on our hearts? We're building each other up in a way that's not often present in the rest of society, or visible to your regular Jane or Joe. We're good friends. And we're taking over the internet ;)

I just think all of it is really fucking special!

And I love you all so much!

Lately I've taken to filling out prompts on an American Idol kink meme. I've filled about six prompts, and I've been having a blast because people seem to enjoy my fills and, for the most part, everyone's been really kind and respectful toward me.

But I've been noticing a trend, and it's not just toward me. This is a problem in many memes, but I've noticed it much more heavily in the AI fandom. I'd like to lay out a few rules here regarding Meme Etiquette. You are, of course, free to disagree, but I really think this is as simple as being appreciative and respectful of the hard work writers put into filling out prompts.

Meme Etiquette

1) When prompting at a meme, you forfeit the right to be critical of anything apart from grammar, spelling and sentence structure (even this is pretty nitpicky - it's a meme, for crying out loud). When someone goes out of their way, takes the time and energy to fill out a prompt for you, you should say, "Thank you! I liked that!" (even if you didn't) and move on.

2) If the fill was not exactly what you were looking for, or at all what you were looking for, you could wait a few days and repost your prompt, perhaps reworded, explaining that you would really like a similar fill. Suggestion of what you might say: "I'm reposting this; the other fill was good, and I'd love to read another take on this concept." That way everyone's happy. Someone else might fill out your prompt again, closer to what you wanted, and the writer who initially took the time to fill it out for you doesn't have to feel like shit because it wasn't what you wanted.

3) If you really want to read something in a fill, but the writer who filled it for you didn't give you precisely what you wanted, and you're having trouble finding the premise anywhere else, write it yourfuckingself. If you're so hellbent on reading something, do not harass writers; fucking write it. It absolutely boggles my mind when I see people nitpicking over the smallest things; details that have nothing to do with the overall prompt. If you don't like the way a fill is going, stop reading. No one's forcing you to. Don't comment. Leave it alone.

4) If you're not the writer or the OP, what the hell are you doing critiquing a specific angle, or a specific element of characterization, etc.? The writer did not write it for you! It's nice to get drive-by comments of appreciation; it is not nice to receive drive-by criticism from strangers, especially anonymice. If you're not a fan of the way the story went down, write your own damn version.

5) Last but not least, let us not forget this important truth about memes: We are all extremely lucky when someone fills out our prompts at all. The bigger the fandom (and its subsequent memes), the more followers there are, the less likely we are to have our prompts filled. So we should feel very fortunate to have anyone bothering to fill them out; I know I do! It is our responsibility - in order to keep the various writers at these memes - to be respectful of the fills that are written. If we aren't, what's keeping these writers from saying, "fuck this noise!" and moving the fuck on? Absolutely nothing. So let's use our discretion at all times, and if we have nothing kind to say -- all together now -- don't say anything at all!

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I'm not gonna lie; sometimes I feel very discouraged by the attitude at the meme. Sometimes I really don't want to continue filling out prompts. Right now I'm having trouble remaining cool and collected about this issue (if this entry hasn't already told you that), and I'm seriously reconsidering my participation there. For the most part, people have been very kind. I am extremely grateful for the kind words most of my readers have commented with. I continue to be very touched by my readers' enjoyment of my writing. That's all I want!! Truly, it's the random bystander who feels compelled to tell me that my fill wasn't what they wanted, or that someone else should fill it out the way it actually went down (even though this is fucking fanfiction), that makes me feel shitty about my writing.

NOTE: This is not directed at anyone who has commented on Diamond Dog Diva. You have ALL been wonderfully kind to me, and I am so grateful for the beautiful feedback I've received. I'm referring to the few odd fills I've submitted at the meme that I have yet to post over here. I've received some comments that hurt me and make me feel dumb for writing a prompt in a particular way. I mean no offense by this entry, either, and I'm certainly not talking to any of the friends in the AI fandom that I've made in the last few weeks. You're all darlings! It's just a few bad eggs that I'm talking about (usually in the guise of anonymity), and I thought I'd spread the word in the hopes that some of you on my flist might read it, agree with what I'm saying, and think it worth incorporating into our interactions with each other in fandom life.

Thank you for your attention! ♥

Tresa, this is so cool! I hope you don't mind if I do my own!


FANDOM SURVEY (kind of...)!

The one who seduced you and fucked you over and broke your heart in a million pieces and laughed about it: The Daily Show

The old flame you don't see very often any more but whom you still really enjoy getting together with for a few drinks and maybe a pleasant nostalgic romp in the sheets: Digimon, def.

The mysterious dark gothy one whom you used to sit up with talking until 3 a.m. at weird coffeehouses and with whom you were quite smitten until you realized he really was fucking crazy: Prison Break

The one you spent a whole weekend in bed with and who drank up all your liquor, and whom you'd still really like to fuck again although you're relieved he doesn't actually live in town: House

The steady: Harry Potter

The one you repeatedly cheat on your steady with: Psych

The alluring stranger whom you've flirted with at parties but have never gotten really serious with: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The one you hang out with and have vague fantasies about maybe having a thing with but ultimately you're just good buddies 'cause the friendship is there but the chemistry ain't: Brokeback Mountain

The one your friends keep introducing you to and who seems like a hell of a cool guy except it's never really gone anywhere: Supernatural

The one you slept with on the rebound who still smiles at you, yet you have no interest in any more: The OC

The one who's slept with all your friends, and you keep looking at him and thinking, "Him? How the hell did he land all these cool babes?": Twilight

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Hee hee. I'm so amused!