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rockinhamburgerI've been thinking quite a bit lately about friendship.
I've had two best friends for over fifteen years. I met them at the beginning of primary school, and we went through grades 1 through 6 together before continuing to high school and remaining the best of friends even after we graduated in 2005. Apart from my family, I have known those two wonderful ladies almost as long as I've been alive. They're practically sisters to me, and I have no doubt that they will always, always have a place in my life.
But I'm beginning to realize that they're not my best friends. They're the friends I've known the longest; they know so much about me at this point, and I about them, that we will always have a close bond. However, do I talk to them anymore about the stuff I'm going through? Do I reach out to them when I'm in pain? Do we sit for hours and talk about everything under the sun, and spend as much time with each other as possible, given our tight schedules?
No. There is only one friend I truly seek out for consult and deep conversation on a regular basis, and that is my good friend Melissa. We met in high school, but we were young, both physically and emotionally, so we weren't really close until high school ended.
We actually first really bonded over Brokeback Mountain. When that movie first came out in 2006 we were in the throes of seeing each other every few weeks for coffee. We were driving to her house when she told me about seeing the trailer for the movie, and we both vowed we simply HAD to watch Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal be hot together on-screen.
It's almost laughable now, because we had no clue how intense that movie was going to be. When we did see the movie, we were completely blindsided. I remember reaching the point in the movie when we found out that Jack was dead, and I just--I fucking broke down sobbing in the theatre. We left that movie in mutually catatonic states of heartbreak. We went for coffee and talked about the movie, and about the dangers of never going for love out of fear and self-hatred, and then we watched the movie again, in theatres, six more times over the next few months. That's right, six.
That movie is kind of responsible for the deepening of our friendship. Before, we would talk, but never about stuff that mattered to us. That barrier was broken, and we became friends who hung out every week, if not more, simply because we enjoyed each other's company so much.
But then I moved out and got an apartment with two friends. I worked all the time, and she was in school; we didn't have time to see each other as much, so our friendship took the backseat for a while. Then I fell in love, and I started what would be a volatile relationship (for my sensibilities and heart), and for a while after that I became so internal and reflective that I didn't really have heart-to-hearts with anyone.
I applied for a job at the same place Melissa was working, and that was when our friendship took off from where we'd left it. We worked all week together, and then we'd spend every Friday night at my apartment watching Dollhouse and hanging out. Pretty soon, she became the person I saw regularly (outside of school). I rarely had time to see the friends I grew up with, but because I worked with Melissa, I saw her several times a week.
When I quit that job, we kept at it. For the last two years we have been maintaining weekly hang out sessions. We watch movies, television shows, and YouTube videos, we go for dinner and coffee, and we talk.
And boy do we talk. This past Friday, for example, we were planning to watch Modern Family together. Instead, we found ourselves talking for six hours straight, about the disaster in Japan, about the nature of the media machine that seems to basically exploit tragedies like the ones we're seeing in Japan, about conflict theory and capitalism. We talked about insecurity and pride, about sex and sexuality, and about accountability and responsibility in relation to all those issues. We talked about critical thinking, and about though in general; we wondered where thoughts even come from, how a thought comes to be and how that process might differ from one person to another.
But it's more than just talking. We also make each other laugh, all the time. We tell 'that's what he said' jokes, we riff off each other until we're both laughing hysterically. I honestly have a blast with her every week, because we laugh and talk and exist with one another. I can literally talk to her about anythingl I can go to her with my concerns (of all the people in my life, she was the one who really came through for me when my dad had his leg amputated), and she can go to me with hers. Our friendship is amazing.
So it beats me how it took so long for me to realize (just yesterday) that Melissa is my best friend. I've always thought friendship was about who's known you the longest, who's been with you through the most stuff, maybe even who knows you best.
But it's not. It's about making the time to see someone because their presence in your life enriches it in a valuable way. It's about who you can be real with, who you can be vulnerable, genuine, and open with. I don't have to be 'on' with her. I just have to be me.
Real friendship, I think, is about being able to laugh over a good dick joke, and then, five minutes later, have a serious conversation about sexism and misogyny. It's about laughing until it hurts, and then exposing yourself so vulnerably that you're on the verge of tears.
It's about give and take, in equal measures.
-
Who's your best friend?
I've had two best friends for over fifteen years. I met them at the beginning of primary school, and we went through grades 1 through 6 together before continuing to high school and remaining the best of friends even after we graduated in 2005. Apart from my family, I have known those two wonderful ladies almost as long as I've been alive. They're practically sisters to me, and I have no doubt that they will always, always have a place in my life.
But I'm beginning to realize that they're not my best friends. They're the friends I've known the longest; they know so much about me at this point, and I about them, that we will always have a close bond. However, do I talk to them anymore about the stuff I'm going through? Do I reach out to them when I'm in pain? Do we sit for hours and talk about everything under the sun, and spend as much time with each other as possible, given our tight schedules?
No. There is only one friend I truly seek out for consult and deep conversation on a regular basis, and that is my good friend Melissa. We met in high school, but we were young, both physically and emotionally, so we weren't really close until high school ended.
We actually first really bonded over Brokeback Mountain. When that movie first came out in 2006 we were in the throes of seeing each other every few weeks for coffee. We were driving to her house when she told me about seeing the trailer for the movie, and we both vowed we simply HAD to watch Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal be hot together on-screen.
It's almost laughable now, because we had no clue how intense that movie was going to be. When we did see the movie, we were completely blindsided. I remember reaching the point in the movie when we found out that Jack was dead, and I just--I fucking broke down sobbing in the theatre. We left that movie in mutually catatonic states of heartbreak. We went for coffee and talked about the movie, and about the dangers of never going for love out of fear and self-hatred, and then we watched the movie again, in theatres, six more times over the next few months. That's right, six.
That movie is kind of responsible for the deepening of our friendship. Before, we would talk, but never about stuff that mattered to us. That barrier was broken, and we became friends who hung out every week, if not more, simply because we enjoyed each other's company so much.
But then I moved out and got an apartment with two friends. I worked all the time, and she was in school; we didn't have time to see each other as much, so our friendship took the backseat for a while. Then I fell in love, and I started what would be a volatile relationship (for my sensibilities and heart), and for a while after that I became so internal and reflective that I didn't really have heart-to-hearts with anyone.
I applied for a job at the same place Melissa was working, and that was when our friendship took off from where we'd left it. We worked all week together, and then we'd spend every Friday night at my apartment watching Dollhouse and hanging out. Pretty soon, she became the person I saw regularly (outside of school). I rarely had time to see the friends I grew up with, but because I worked with Melissa, I saw her several times a week.
When I quit that job, we kept at it. For the last two years we have been maintaining weekly hang out sessions. We watch movies, television shows, and YouTube videos, we go for dinner and coffee, and we talk.
And boy do we talk. This past Friday, for example, we were planning to watch Modern Family together. Instead, we found ourselves talking for six hours straight, about the disaster in Japan, about the nature of the media machine that seems to basically exploit tragedies like the ones we're seeing in Japan, about conflict theory and capitalism. We talked about insecurity and pride, about sex and sexuality, and about accountability and responsibility in relation to all those issues. We talked about critical thinking, and about though in general; we wondered where thoughts even come from, how a thought comes to be and how that process might differ from one person to another.
But it's more than just talking. We also make each other laugh, all the time. We tell 'that's what he said' jokes, we riff off each other until we're both laughing hysterically. I honestly have a blast with her every week, because we laugh and talk and exist with one another. I can literally talk to her about anythingl I can go to her with my concerns (of all the people in my life, she was the one who really came through for me when my dad had his leg amputated), and she can go to me with hers. Our friendship is amazing.
So it beats me how it took so long for me to realize (just yesterday) that Melissa is my best friend. I've always thought friendship was about who's known you the longest, who's been with you through the most stuff, maybe even who knows you best.
But it's not. It's about making the time to see someone because their presence in your life enriches it in a valuable way. It's about who you can be real with, who you can be vulnerable, genuine, and open with. I don't have to be 'on' with her. I just have to be me.
Real friendship, I think, is about being able to laugh over a good dick joke, and then, five minutes later, have a serious conversation about sexism and misogyny. It's about laughing until it hurts, and then exposing yourself so vulnerably that you're on the verge of tears.
It's about give and take, in equal measures.
-
Who's your best friend?
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no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 01:30 am (UTC)And then there's the ones that just sort of snuck up on me--like my friend MT who I thought was just a "work friend" until I realized we were talking about deep enough and important enough things on a regular enough basis that we could be charging each other for therapy sessions. And M, who I met lost in the woods in the pouring rain 11 years ago and spent three hours with on Saturday just reading and writing and drawing and being together.
...But maybe, just maybe, it DOES come down to the oldest friend for me...It might have to be S, who I met in the third grade when she showed up dressed as a (blonde) Indian and I showed up as a (dark-haired) Pilgrim for the Halloween parade and she decided we had to walk together. She's always been organized like that. There's a photo of us from that day, holding hands. S has been my friend ever since--sometimes closer, sometimes further apart, but always there. And recently she did something for me that is so beautiful, so pure of heart, so full of love, that I can barely put my mind around it. And I can't really post it in an Internet comment...but imagine the most wonderful, giving thing you can think of...then multiply it by, like, ten-zillion.
Yeah. She's got to be the one. I am blessed.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 04:58 pm (UTC)I just *have* to see Brokeback Mountain. And I hate myself for not daring ask my boyfriend to download it last time we went through "TV shows/movies we want to watch"... :\ I realize I'm still not really good at voicing my own wishes/desires. Even with the person I'm closest to at the moment.
Yeah, talking about best friends, my boyfriend is kind of my best friend right now, but it doesn't seem entirely right. Reading your story makes me miss the really good friends I've had, all of whom I've left behind in Europe.
I personally don't have any friend left from my childhood or even high school. All my friends I've made since I started university in 2004. It's hard to say any of them is/was my best friend, though. Even when we've clicked and had unforgettable, tremendous fun together, it always seems we are just one among many for each other. There's only this Finnish girl, whom I met in Poland, who was truly, very special... But as you can guess, she went back to Finland, and then I moved to Canada, and keeping in touch is a bitch. :(