![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
first ever new year's resolutions:
Dec. 30th, 2009 08:01 pmi will stop making plans with people i feel not-me around. i have spent the last six months afraid that everyone dislikes the person i am, deep down. i will stop worrying how i'm perceived by others and start work on being the person i was this time last year. i will not spend time with people who make me feel uncomfortable with who i really am.
i will quit putting myself into situations where i end up stressing over my other friends' tension with each other. i have done this far too much over the last several years, to the point where i can't go to a new year's party that i really want to attend because i'm afraid i'll hurt my friends who weren't invited. i have cried too many tears over the frustrating, stressful, palpable line that exists between my two separate groups of friends that were at one time a close-knit circle. i have tortured myself for too long over the uncontrollable feelings of others, and i've ignored my own controllable discomfort with and fear of confrontation because i want avoid hurting others' feelings. and goddammit, it shouldn't be my responsibility to hold any group of friends together when i'm in my 20s and out of high school. i should be capable of making separate plans without worrying how the other group/person will respond.
i will aim to do these things in the coming year. considering the inevitable, out-of-my-control stress in my life, coming from all sides, i will at least try to diminish the stress i actually cause myself (which i clearly don't need on top of everything else) simply because I care a little too much about the feelings of others. there's healthy concern, and then there's ridiculous, nerve-wrecking, makes-me-feel-ill guilt that i throw on myself for no discernible, rational reason.
(aside: did you know 'discernible' was spelled with a second 'i'? i always thought it was 'discernable'... which, come to think of it, makes no sense!)
and how about a fun resolution, while i'm at? i will really try to write some songs of my own this year. why not?
do you make resolutions every year? have you ever succeeded at keeping them? or do you refuse to make them as a rule? i've never made official ones before, so while there's always the possibility i will utterly fail with these ones, i'd like to remain fairly optimistic about them just the same.
2010 is almost upon us. what a whirlwind of a decade it's been, eh? (ahaha, i'm so canadian)
i will quit putting myself into situations where i end up stressing over my other friends' tension with each other. i have done this far too much over the last several years, to the point where i can't go to a new year's party that i really want to attend because i'm afraid i'll hurt my friends who weren't invited. i have cried too many tears over the frustrating, stressful, palpable line that exists between my two separate groups of friends that were at one time a close-knit circle. i have tortured myself for too long over the uncontrollable feelings of others, and i've ignored my own controllable discomfort with and fear of confrontation because i want avoid hurting others' feelings. and goddammit, it shouldn't be my responsibility to hold any group of friends together when i'm in my 20s and out of high school. i should be capable of making separate plans without worrying how the other group/person will respond.
i will aim to do these things in the coming year. considering the inevitable, out-of-my-control stress in my life, coming from all sides, i will at least try to diminish the stress i actually cause myself (which i clearly don't need on top of everything else) simply because I care a little too much about the feelings of others. there's healthy concern, and then there's ridiculous, nerve-wrecking, makes-me-feel-ill guilt that i throw on myself for no discernible, rational reason.
(aside: did you know 'discernible' was spelled with a second 'i'? i always thought it was 'discernable'... which, come to think of it, makes no sense!)
and how about a fun resolution, while i'm at? i will really try to write some songs of my own this year. why not?
do you make resolutions every year? have you ever succeeded at keeping them? or do you refuse to make them as a rule? i've never made official ones before, so while there's always the possibility i will utterly fail with these ones, i'd like to remain fairly optimistic about them just the same.
2010 is almost upon us. what a whirlwind of a decade it's been, eh? (ahaha, i'm so canadian)
